I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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