I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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