When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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