Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
