also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize