and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
