life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
