Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
