why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
