I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
