my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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