Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
They took my balls.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
