On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
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