whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
