Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
