overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
