I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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