If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
