I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
