Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
