Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
