Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
