happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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