Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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