why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
