My friends, they love my intelligence
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
