It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
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Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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