dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
