Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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