We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
