How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
