My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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