Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
