Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
