Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
