We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
