I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
