he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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