the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
