How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
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It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
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Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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