Tell her she can't have a vagina
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
