I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
