We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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