I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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