he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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