I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
