I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she woke up with a sticky ear
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
