i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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