My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
