dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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