it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
