I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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