after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
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Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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