Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I forgot wine drunk hurts
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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