I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
