dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
