Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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