I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
