On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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