If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
