I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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