I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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