Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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