I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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