he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
